Transformers 3 Is Out Next Week… Wheeeee.

Alright! Transformers 3 is out next week! Rather than building hype or coming up with a snarky list of probable events in the movie, I’m simply gonna lay out how it will be.

It will be more of the same, but probably with more explosions, and probably more disappointments. You see, the first Transformers was fun because it energized a concept and rebooted a franchise, and it did it in a big and fun and booming way. At it’s heart, the movie was about the assorted Transformers and Decepticons duking it out, with Shia Lebouf and Megan Fox acting as the human element and romantic subplot.

The first movie was good because it was fairly simple and was a new surprise to behold. It’s wasn’t exactly fine cinema, but it was definitely cool and fun.

The second movie was awful, to contrast. See, Michael Bay took the success of the first movie and decided to amplify things by ten, while adding a whole slew of completely dumb additions to it. The second movie was loud and obnoxious in the worst way possible, while demonstrating just how grating Shia Lebouf and Megan Fox are.

The action was difficult to follow, the plot was pretty dumb even from a cartoon standpoint, and the women were sexualized to the point of laughability. Not to mention the obnoxiously racist depictions of two “black” Transformers, the sheer amount of bodily humor and anatomical jokes, the death of basic geography, and the rehashing of old concepts.

And that’s not even to mention the denseness of humanity’s battle plan in that movie. I mean, I know it’s fiction. But, sending in a few hundred troops to get squashed by robots and then following up with heavy artillery and tanks once the battle is over is DUMB, people.


I dunno. Maybe I’ve become slightly cynical with Michael Bay. The man likes himself, that’s for sure.

I know what to expect. I fact, I know exactly what I’ll be getting.

Calling it now. Transformers 3 will be a loud, obnoxious, scattered mess of a film that features good looking women, robots, and explosions. It will be fun, and it will be brainless entertainment that I enjoy throughout, but I will promptly start ripping it apart the second I leave the theater. I just hope that everyone learned from the stupidity of the second one and choose to focus on the ROBOTS throughout.

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